Gangbanging Amy

Being preoccupied with classic films such as The Bridge on the River Kwai, and Henry V, your Dear Blogger had never seen the film Chasing Amy.

And now he has.

Chasing Amy is one of those great films where the stated moral of the film diametrically opposes the taught moral of the film.

Oh, be quiet, it's not like I'm spoiling Citizen Kane.

In the film, Ben Affleck falls head-over-heels puppy-dog-in-love with a chain-smoking lesbian slut. Besides being a dyke who pontificates on how lesbians can too lose their virginity (hey, fists stretch vagoos even more than cocks, dontcha know), one of the major reveals in the film is that Alyssa D'Whore had sex with multiple men at once on multiple occasions in high school.

Ladies. If you had been dicked by two guys at once on multiple occasions by the time you graduated high school, you did not "experiment", it was not "a time in your life" or "a decision you made"...

Say it with me:

You. Were. A. Slut.

Maybe there's such a thing as a recovered slut. I've never met one.

This movie so perfectly frames what actually happens when a beta puppy dates a femslut that it's not even funny. From the oblivious infatuation, to the revulsion of Alyssa when Affleck confesses his undying love, to the unacknowledged righteous rage at discovering you were dating a slut, hurriedly disguised as "shock of inexperience", to the slut defense mechanism, it has it all.

...Including a monologue about how no, totally, she's The One, man, and you let her get away! How could you! To top it off, it's delivered by the writer and director, no less!

The film ends, revealing that Affleck has quit his job writing a ludicrously successful stoner comic to spend the next year writing an apology comic that no one will buy, the last page of which looks like this.

I'll give you a moment to wipe the vomit off your monitor.

He hands the comic over to Alyssa, who bins it as soon as he's gone, and then denies any romantic connection to him to her current saggytitted, lichfaced codyke.

The irony is that the only point any rational person would take away from this film is that discovering your chainsmoking, polyamorous, lesbian, twilight-of-her-prime girlfriend is a slut, should come as absolutely no surprise, and should be met with an emergency evacuation procedure, anti-mine countermeasures, and a tactical nuclear reprisal.

To Kevin Smith... Exactly what does "in love, put the individual ahead of their actions" mean, other than "make excuses for everything your slut girlfriend does"?